One of the struggles I knew I would face is my fear of going back into the darkness. Today, I am supposed to return to the qualitative data, read the stories of suffering mothers, and compose a unified symphony of pain and strength. But I can’t. I can’t bring myself there today. It pains me to see women pouring their hearts out, but then indicate that they were never diagnosed. Over and over again. I was there with my first baby. It hurt me and everyone around me. And it seems too close to conquer now. Another time. So I suppose I move on to something else. Another time I will be brave.
Today, I will transform the outline of my dissertation proposal into sentences, which will evolve into paragraphs, and pages, and sections. My goal is to write five pages tonight, leaving ten pages for the rest of the week to meet my deadline.
Almost two hours later I am wrapping up with three single-spaced pages (over five double-spaced….hooray!). I focused on the methods section—procedural writing was good for my heart today. Now, as I prepare to switch from discussing instrumentation to recruitment tactics, I feel it’s a good time to pause. To rest. To let the words sit.
The next time I sit to write I will hope to add another 2.5 - 3 single-spaced pages to this work of art. I’ll pick up right where I left off, detailing the ways I chose to recruit mothers to participate in the survey that has been hosted on this website since February. Off I go!
Words: 1799 (w/out outlined section: 1019)
Pages: 6.5 single-spaced (w/out outlined section: 3)